S3E27: Self-comparison week: That’s not the path I chose

Full transcript:

Good morning, happy Tuesday and welcome to the Language Confidence Project, the daily dose of language courage for those who love languages and those who really don’t, but have to learn one anyway. And every day this week, we are going to be talking about practical things we can do to help us exist in the language learning spaces, to mix with the people, to engage in the content, and to be inspired by other people’s journeys without the sting of self-comparison throwing us off course.

Because, we all know that comparing ourselves with others makes us feel worse. We all know that it doesn’t really help us in the long run. But my God is it hard to stop doing it. We don’t want to unplug from social media, switch off from language learning communities or isolate ourselves into our own little bubble, we want to coexist with other language learners, to share our experiences and to take inspiration from them. So we need to find tools to make sure those moments aren’t tinged with comparison and don’t leave us feeling worse than when we came in. And that, what we’re looking at this week.

So in yesterday’s episode, we talked about the benefits of filtering your language inspiration and motivation through lenses outside of the language learning sphere, drawing on things like entrepreneurship, fitness and people’s creative journeys, to give you that degree of separation and allow for less direct comparison while still bringing that wisdom and motivation in.

And today, I want to talk about the dark side of carving your own path. I want to talk about what happens when you walk down that corridor, closing all those doors to the rooms that don’t suit you, that don’t fit you, and then you get to the end and a mean, sneering voice pipes up and says “look how many doors are closed to you now. They’re open for her.”

Because fundamentally, that is the process of carving our own path. We go through the journey of finding what’s optimal for us, cutting out all the things that either don’t serve us or that don’t suit us. Yes it’s a process of saying yes to what works and what makes us happy and what fills us up. But it’s also a process of filtering, of blocking, of saying no. And then, once in a while, out of what seems like nowhere, this voice pops up. Especially when we’re watching other people thriving using things we’ve discounted for ourselves. And that voice says, wow… of all the thousands of options in this world, these are your only choices. If only you were more confident, more academically-minded and had less going on in your life… you’d have so many more doors open to you. You could have had what she has.  

And today, I wanted to share a phrase that acts as a bit of circuit breaker for me, which is “that is not the path I chose.”

Because you chose it. 

Because it’s right for you.

You didn’t get left with those things on your path that you curated, because your personality, your life circumstances, neurodiversity, or anything else drove away all the good options.

You didn’t pick those things as a tonic for your faulty brain, or your faulty body, or your faulty life.

You picked them because you know what’s best for you.  

Your language journey is beautiful because it’s made up of all the things that make you, you. Because everything in it allows you to be yourself as far as you can. 

So when you see someone chatting fluently in a language you left behind:

That’s not the path I chose. 

When you see someone taking the exam that didn’t feel right for you:

That’s not my path. That’s not the path I chose.

When you see someone excelling in a classroom environment but you’re self-teaching:

That’s not my path. It’s not the path I chose. 

If you’re working to your strengths, your values, your goals and your limits you are doing this right. So don’t double guess yourselves, language learners, and don’t get scared off by the doors that you’ve shut. You’re doing the right thing, and you know you best. And you’re creating a journey that fits you, that you’re going to love, and that’s going to feel meaningful not just in your language but also in the rest of your life. So keep doing it, and be proud of it.

And before I go, just a reminder that the doors are open for my 100 Conversations project, where I would love to speak to 100 listeners of the Language Confidence Project, to meet you, to hear about how your language journey is going, and to find out what carving your own path means to you. It’s a really informal 30 minute Skype chat over tea or coffee or whatever beverage you should like to bring, it’s completely free, nobody’s going to try and sell you anything, it really is just a chat, where we can just hang out and chat about languages. If you would like to book a call, I have a calendly link in the shownotes, and it’s also in my Instagram bio at @teawithemily.