S4E1: Do new things have to be scary?

Full transcript:

Good morning and welcome to a brand new season of the LCP, the daily dose of language courage for people who love languages, and those who really don’t, but have to learn one anyway. So, before we start, I just want to say that I hope you have had a wonderful six weeks, and share a few progress updates with you. First bit of news is, transcripts for season 1 and 2 are now available on Substack, and I’ll be uploading Season 4 as it airs, so if you want to be able to read along with the episodes, there’s now a link in the shownotes. And the second thing is, this summer, the Language Confidence Project is launching a sister podcast. More details are coming throughout the next few weeks, so stay tuned! And today, if you are struggling to get started on something new and daunting, whether it’s a brand new language, a new resource or method within a language, a creative project, or something else entirely, this is the episode for you.

So, I’ve talked a couple of times on this podcast about shiny object syndrome, or the constant beckoning of new and exciting things that distract you from ever being able to commit to going all in on anything, or seeing anything to completion. But the reality for me is, I don’t have shiny object syndrome. I have, basically, the exact opposite. I really, really struggle to do new things. I pretty much always experience huge resistance to starting something new, even if it’s not that big. And today, I wanted to explore that a bit further.  

What is it that makes starting something so scary? Is It just, as people often say, fear of the unknown? I don’t think so. Because there are so many unknown things that we barrel straight into without any fear. We might be terrified of learning any new software, but love visiting new places. We might be thrilled at the opportunity to try new foods, but dread meeting new people. And so fear of starting something new definitely seems to me to be context-specific.

So here is what I think is going on, at least with me.

I think for me it comes from fear of how it’s going affect my current way of life. What does it mean to commit this time? What am I going to need to give up? Where is this thing going to borrow its time and energy from?

And I also think it comes from fear about how it’s going to interact with our current belief systems. Ideas that I already hold about what kind of person would be good at this thing and then I feel this just huge distance between me as I am and then the Imagined Them that’s really good at it. And that leads to a secondary fear of shame. And not even just public humiliation or making mistakes in front of other people but fear of disappointing myself and not living up to my own expectations.

And finally fear that it won’t work out. What if I don’t like it? What if it doesn’t work? What if it leaves me feeling stressed, or stupid? What if the returns don’t justify what I put into it?

And people say, “As humans, we’re scared of change” and I think “are we?”. Or are we scared of loss? Are we scared of things just getting worse? Or unintended consequences of a thing that at first glance looks good?

But, and this is important, I still want to try new things. I want to get out of my comfort zone and I want to grow.

So, if this is you too, what can we do about these things that acknowledges those fears, that doesn’t say “just push through”, and that makes us feel safer to start, and that lets us take those first steps?

1)    Tackle the fear of losses:

So my first piece of advice would be ringfence the stuff you’re scared of losing. What are the losses you’re most afraid of with this particular thing or project? Is it money? Social life? Time with the family? Leisure time? Whatever it is, take some steps to reassure yourself that you can protect the thing that you’re worried about losing. So maybe that would look like setting a budget for the funds or the time and energy that you can put towards this thing right now. If it’s your leisure or social time, maybe tack the leisure activity right onto the end of starting the thing. So for example, every time you spend 45 minutes on your language study, you get 15 minutes listening to songs, or 15 minutes sending messages to your friends. Plan events or outings, or sporting events, and put them into your diary before you even start figuring out whe you’re going to bring the new thing in, so you know right from the start that it’s not going to bulldoze all the things that make you happy.

2)    Remind yourself of the gains

Once you’ve protected your potential losses, shift your focus to the reasons you’re doing this in the first place. What could this thing bring you? Is it skills? Opportunities? People? A new way to dive into something that interests you? What made you excited about this thing in the first place? And keep those things in mind, maybe write them down, maybe remind yourself of them before you start every time you start. Don’t lose sight of why you wanted to do this!

3)    Tackle the fear of not being the right person:

And this is a really complex one and it’s something I’m going to be revisiting a few times this season, but in short, that means, letting go of the idea that you’re supposed to get things straight away. That if something is going to work for you, that it should come naturally, and come easily, and you should feel at home with it right from the start. It might be for you about accepting learning curves, or celebrating small steps, and realising that being a beginner is inevitable, no matter how hard you try to skip that stage, and that actually, sometimes, being right at the start can be quite exciting.

But it’s also about picking your moments. I’m not going to say “wait until you’re ready” to start this new thing, because you might never reach a magical moment or “right time” when you suddenly feel ready. But if you’re at a point in your life when everything is changing, you’re already out of your comfort zone all day and you’re mentally or physically exhausted, it might genuinely be too far from the right time to be feasible, and that’s okay. When I’m too far into uncertainty, even just starting a new TV show is too much. So make sure your expectations to yourself are fair, as well.

I’m so glad to be back, language learners, and I can’t wait to hear how you’ve been getting on. Send me a message on Instagram, or even better, book a call as part of the 100 Conversations Project with me! Last season, I started the 100 Conversations Project, where I would love to speak to 100 listeners of the Language Confidence Project, to meet you, to hear about how your language journey is going, and to find out what carving your own path means to you. It’s a really informal 30 minute Zoom chat over tea or coffee or whatever beverage you should like to bring, it’s completely free, and we can just hang out and chat about languages. If you would like to book a call, I have a calendly link in the shownotes, and it’s also in my Instagram bio at @teawithemily. Have a wonderful day, and I will see you tomorrow.