S5E46: Self-compassion isn’t weak

Full transcript:

Good morning, happy Monday, and welcome to the Language Confidence Project, the daily dose of language courage for people who love languages, and those who really don't, but have to learn one anyway. And today, as we start off this week, I'm just popping in with a quick message to reassure you that self-compassion isn't embarrassing, or soppy, or weak, and that it's okay to take charge of how we look after ourselves.

So, growing up, I've always had a bit of an icky feeling around the word “compassion”. And “sympathy,” too, actually. I didn't like either of them, because they always felt a bit too sweet. And then, as I've had a lot more conversations about it over the last few years, I've realised it's really not just me.

There's a bit of a belief in the world that compassion is a sugary, treacly, maybe even slightly cringey thing to do. But the more I've learned in the past few years, the more I've realised that whether we're talking about compassion for others, or for ourselves, it's never about being syrupy. It's never about giving people a free pass to do whatever they want, and it's never about letting ourselves off the hook.

Because here's the thing, self-compassion is not always easy, and it's not always simple either. To me, compassion is about having a really deep understanding of ourselves, and our goals and what drives us and how that fits into so many systems in the wider world, while simultaneously leaving enough space to allow for what we don't know and what we don't understand, and giving ourselves grace to keep learning and keep asking questions.

It takes so much strength, and so much reflection, and so much maturity, and it's a process that will go on for a lifetime. So if I were to sum up what self compassion means to me now in a short list, it would be that it's all about understanding these five things.

Number one, that progress can happen, but not always the way we planned.

And number two, that progress can happen, but not always on our schedule.

Number three, we're humans, not machines, and our performance isn't regular or predictable. We cannot expect exactly the same output from ourselves every single day. There are also going to be days when something works, and then the next day it doesn't, and we might not know why.

Number four, we're humans, we're not machines. And we will always have needs. And sometimes those needs might not feel compatible with what we want or our goals, but they still exist and we can't keep pretending that they don't.

And number five, that we're human. And as humans, we simultaneously crave change and action, while we still cling to the comfort and security and certainty that our current behaviours or environments bring.

It's normal, and getting around that is a process all of its own. And the thing is if we ignore those things, while in the moment it seems like the noble, strong, determined thing to do, and it also feels like the rest of the world is telling us that that's what we need to do, it slows us down in the long run.

And part of the maturity of self-compassion is that we have to recognise those five things over and over and over again in all the different forms they appear in, in all the situations that call for it.

So, for me, self-compassion is 100% not about candles or blankets or taking a nap. Those things might be a remedy for some of the things that self-compassion tells us, but they're not the be all and end all.

Self-compassion is about us demonstrating that we understand the entire context that we function in, as a personality, as a body, as a member of our own family or community or society. And it's about us understanding that our goals and our duties and our visions and our nice-to-haves, well, they'll fit into that context, whether we like it or not. So we may as well factor that awareness in.

Language learners, showing yourself compassion is not you being weak. It's not you wasting your time or you justifying lazy or self-indulgent behaviour. It's you asking yourself sensible questions about your situation, about your environment, about what you need, and then listening to the answers, and acting upon them.

So be kind to yourselves today, be kind to yourselves this week, and I will see you tomorrow.